1. Jack Bauer is awesome: He’s a badass and he cares about rescuing child soldiers in Africa, even when said child soldiers are annoying idiots who go out of their way to endanger themselves. (And thank Jesus he hasn’t ditched his trademark “Dammit!” – I heard him sneak one in right at the end, and it was bliss. Oh, how I have missed that cuss.)
2. Never take on Jack Bauer in a gunfight. While it is physically impossible to land a shot on him, he will effortlessly hit you every time he pulls the trigger. It is only possible to survive a gunfight with Jack Bauer if you are a child.
3. Everyone who Jack Bauer cares about even in the slightest ends up dead. Do not befriend him! It is only possible to survive Jack Bauer’s friendship if you are a child.
4. Season seven might actually be good.