Big Brother threatens to actually be good this year [Big Brother]

This show called Big Brother launched its eighth season tonight. You may have heard of it.

The following admission may turn you off TV Junior forever, but: new hosts Kyle and Jackie O are kind of good. I know, right! Usually Jackie is powerfully vacuous and Kyle is… Kyle, but they did a fine job stepping into Gretel Killeen’s sizeable shoes.

More shocks: the housemate selection isn’t completely dreadful. Sure, there’s the usual selection of bogans who don’t know the distinction between “me” and “my”, and bimbos with blonde hair and big ta-tas, but overall the cast seems almost… diverse. Sorry, but I’m freaked out – I’m not used to varied and interesting personalities on Big Brother. (And who’s willing to bet the “snap eviction” is totally a twist, despite Big Brother’s claims?)

Note that I reserve the right to retract all these opinions whenever I like, so don’t think you can rub it in my face if this season turns out to be shittier than ever,

Pics and commentary on the 14 housemates, after the jump.

Terri, the “know-it-all nanna”. Shock: I didn’t hate Terri as much as I expected, given she’s a self-confessed Pauline Hanson admirer. I actually chuckled when she showed Saxon her lady-guns, and immediately felt deeply ashamed. Give it time and I’m sure Teri will start to grate.

Saxon, the “space cadet”. Saxon is covered in tats, has a foul little mini-ponytail thing happening, and believes in UFOs and all that junk. So he’s not just a bogan – he’s a crazy bogan. Fingers crossed he’ll learn some life lessons in the house – for example, don’t wear a tight black shirt when you have manboobs.

Bianca, the “Italian princess”. I hate Bianca already because she thinks she’s a) stunningly beautiful because she has enormous knockers which she pretends to hate, and b) fabulously intelligent because she reads books and shit. Plato, ooh!

Nobbi, the “Karate Kid”, who endeared himself to me by making fun of Japanese stereotypes in his introduction package. You’re allowed to laugh at racist jokes when Asians make them! But he… sleeps with a towel… for some reason…?

Brigette, “the bleached blonde who forgot to bleach her eyebrows too”. Just kidding, her nickname was actually “wannabe”. Word, nicknames writer. Brigette has clearly been cast because she is a “hot chick”, not because she has an actual personality or anything.

Alice, “doc”. Whoa! That smile is blinding. Alice seems quite pleasant and shiny (like, literally; I think make-up ‘ve forgot to powder her face), but the very first shot showed her with her hand up a cow’s arse. You don’t forget a first impression like that.

Travis, “the voice”. Oh, that voice. Did it just… forget to break? My squeaky comedy voice is higher than his regular voice. I’m inclined to hate him but a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-mine knows the scrawny little thing and reckons he’s actually very sweet and naive… not to mention painfully dorky.

Rory, “brickie” (the person assigned to nickname duties clearly gave up around this point). I guess Rory is meant to be the hot guy, which is ironic because he’s not hot at all. Thankfully, Big Brother had the sense to tell idiot Rory to pull up his idiot pants.

Renee, “pocket rocket”. Renee is an abattoir-workin’, football-playin’, fast-talkin’ country lass, ie, a lesbian.

Rima, “dancer”. Rima looks 12 years old but works as a belly dancer, which is fabulously creepy – yet not as creepy as her regular-sized husband. The other housemates’ alternately “WTF?!” and patronising reactions to the wee lass were flat-out hilarious (and how is it that her ultrasonic midget voice is still deeper than Travis’s?).

Ben, who I’m told looks like me (but less hot, of course). Ben’s shtick is that he’s really smart… but not smart enough to avoid going on Big Brother.

Dixie “chick” (Ha! See what the nicknames writer did there?). When I first saw Dixie I remarked that she looks like Deb Mailman from The Secret Life of Us, then I wondered if that’s offensive. Surely Dix will last in the house for a while, because there’s no way anyone will be racist enough to immediately vote out the only Aboriginal chick.

Rebecca, “sporty spice”. Rebecca wants to be famous so badly it reeks through her pores and is damaging her otherwise flawless complexion. But she does hate fat people, so we have that in common!

David, “cult buster”. He literally escaped from a religious cult when he was a teenager, so I was going to make a joke about how he’s now sacrificing himself to the cult of reality TV… but he beat me to it. David is a fire-fighter with big guns and a big chest, so I don’t care that his face is so busted.


15 Responses to “Big Brother threatens to actually be good this year [Big Brother]”

  1. Dude.
    some of the things you have said about the people is mean,
    itss like that comment u made about dixie. dude im aboriginal. and by voting herr out wont be racist. i bet yuh that if dixie gets voted out she will be okay with it. she wont be sayin “oh u racist bastards” or anything.
    ok about bianca thats a good comment. i hate her too!.
    terry i hate her too.
    Ben is a gawjus boy. proberly more gawjus than you.
    david. is just a fucken legend. and also is a hottie.
    ok i hate travis’s voice.
    and to see you hate fat people. [im not fat] but that is discrimination. you sound like a Pauline Hanson admirier too!.
    rory is a hot guy thankyou.

    so before you start sayin shit about the people. THINK!. because maybe in that house they are playing a different role to what they would be in the real world.

    thank you and goodbye.

  2. bianca played a extra in the movie aquamarine.
    she was only 17 when she played the extra.they don`t say her name or anything they just show her face.

  3. OMG terri pisses me off big time. She was so rude to everyone when the show started. For example she said to travis is that really your voice. And now is going on with a load of shit with rasizm. tell me what you think about that.?

  4. Now terri is swearing about a little prank. and throwing a little hissy fit. and i reckon she should be evited or really anoyed by big brother. But yet has the right to say stuff about everyone but its like against the law to say anything about her gosh she is soooooo! annoying. Big brother should probably get up terri for being such big noter . My rating 4 terri would be 2 out of 100 .she is a big LOSER

  5. misty i admire what you are saying but they should just be their selfs

  6. Terri was sooo rude when she referd to nobbi`s eyes as slits

  7. Brigitte is SO HOT!!

  8. omg yes brigette is so hot i want to so that sex tape the that dud had of her and him

  9. things you have said here are absolutely horrible, just becuase the people applied to go on t.v and win money doesnt mean you can say stuff like this. the are humans too, yous are making a bif thing over nothing. just becuase you dont like big brother, some people do. keep your filthy opinion to yourself

  10. Hey i thnk big bro was helllll good this year!
    It should come back on next year, dont care wat channel,
    Bridgeeeee was my FAV!
    Thanx for a good big bro this year….
    althou i dont think terri should ov won!!!

  11. OMG, settle down girl below me;; geesh, they can say what they want about the housemates because its their site not yours! they dont fit the profile to suit you and ur wants and needs


  13. anti moche jamila

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