So I’m watching Survivor: Tocantins, which has gotten off to a good start except for the part where I have no idea how to pronounce “Tocantins”. Which makes me feel stupid, because if Jeff Probst knows how, I should know how, dammit. To-can-tins? To-chan-tins? To-can-chins? It sounds like a species of Pokemon.

PS, so far I kind of love Sandy (who at 53 is the “older woman”; cue diatribe about how society doesn’t value women once they reach a certain age), even though she is clearly a bit stupid and crazy.

The infamous Christian Bale rant has been on the internet for more than a week now, which is real-world time is equivalent to approximately three-and-a-half years. Nevertheless, new remixes are still emerging. Here is Family Guy’s (admittedly amusing) take:

[Via TMZ]

You guys, I have some terrible news: after 20 years, The Simpsons has a new opening credits sequence:

Eeeewww it’s all new and different and I hate it. This is worse than the time that… um, it’s worse than the time that… well, it’s not worse than any other times, because this is the worst thing that’s ever happened!

Hate to say this, but: time to kill it, Groening.

[Via Eye on Springfield]

The Soup takes on Christian Bale’s epic rant (which I’m not bothering to link to, because if you haven’t seen it/heard it/frequently referenced it in conversation by now: seriously):

MARRY ME JOEL.

I hated Twilight (the book) but kinda dug Twilight (the movie), so I’m not sure how I feel about The CW’s latest pilot, Vampire Diaries:

Originally published in 1993 – which, as the CW took pains to note, was years before Stephenie Meyer launched her Twilight book franchise – Vampire Diaries revolves around a young woman who’s torn between two vampire brothers – one good, one evil – who are battling for her soul, and the souls of her pals, family and the small town where they live.

On the one hand, it’s being produced by the same company who does Gossip Girl and showrun by Dawson’s Creek’s Kevin Williamson. Both potentially awesome. On the other hand, vampires are sooooo 2008.

[Via io9]

Real-life Scientologist Nancy Cartwright has declared that Bart Simpson is also a clam… sort of. You can read the whole saga at TV Squad.

Did you know that the guy who wrote the 2008 Youtube hit (in my mind, anyway) ‘Spaghetti Cat (I Weep For You)’, Parry Gripp, also co-wrote the theme tune to Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The more you know!

Videos for both songs, after the jump.

(If you have no idea what this video refers to, you are ignorant, and you need to watch this clip now.)

A sneak peek at Jon Hamm in 30 Rock, playing Liz’s new love interest (hopefully he won’t turn out to be her long-lost cousin):

He handsome.

When I first read that Kristen Johnston might play Patsy in the long-rumoured US remake of Ab Fab, I wasn’t sure if she was up to playing a washed-up booze bag. Then I remembered this scene from Sex and the City, and decided she’s juuuuust right for the role:

LOL!

This is the point where I stop pitying Paula Goodspeed, the Paula Abdul stalker who committed suicide outside the front of the American Idol judge’s home last year, and go back to thinking that she was just a crazy weirdo:

A post-mortem examination of Goodspeed’s body revealed a variety of piercings and body art, some of which were “artificial” tattoos drawn with makeup or paint. Vladimir Levicky, a deputy medical examiner, noted that during the autopsy “another tattoo is found over the inner aspect of the lower lip. It appears to read the name ‘Paula Abdul.’”

She had “Paula Abdul” tattooed inside her mouth?! That poor woman. (Aww… see, I do feel sorry for her after all.)